stress
something to believe in. some kind of passion. that’s what i desperately in need of right now. it came again you know, those times when i feel…invisible. no, it’s not because people ignore me or because i feel bad about myself. but it’s because i just cant figure out where i stand in this life. i dont have any dream nor ambitions nor passion nor belief for anything. i lose faith easily and continuously question things—questions that do not have answers. i’m around people most of the time and i do enjoy conversing with people, but often time i found myself observing rather than being there, laughs at jokes, and responding quickly with expressions. my mind just chooses to wander off, leaving me feeling empty inside. I surrender myself to whatever situation i’m faced with, without any energy to fight back. i am completely alone, with no one that i’m constantly in contact with. my family and friends don’t contact me that often, making me feel distant somewhat. even though they call or send message, it does not feel the same. sometimes i feel…awkward, and i don’t even know why. i am now in my most comfort zone, in a point where i’m pulling my self and pushing people away, alienating everyone, including my self.
right now i can’t really decide which kind of invisible feeling that’s worse. but i know that the solution of this problem must be beyond comforting words from friends or a bar of chocolate—i feel that it must come from within me. yes, i am learning to accept my self better. but i really do need a major change. to change for the better, not out of negativity, but positivity. because i want to live happy and healthy. i need that laugh to come out of my heart. i need that facial expressions as a reflection of my thoughts, not as an obligation. the change could not just be words. it has to happen.
perhaps it’s because i’m a sagittarian who generally hates to be controlled, and right now i just feel a huge pressure from everything around me. i am controlled by what i do, by school, by deadlines. i’m in a huge stress, partly because of my grade, but mostly because i’m doing what i dislike. tell me im exaggerating, but when your period ends so quick, your sleep pattern is messed up, your mood swings like crazy, your head is in constant ache, and you wake up feeling tired— wouldn’t you say you’re stressed?
how stressful is my life now?
it always like that. starts with being overwhelmed by the school workload, doubting my ability and feeling stupid, and then touches other sensitive topics. it spreads like a cancer in my head.
whatever causes this feeling, i despise you and i wish that you go away from my life.
