this is not dukes' regular scribbles

love is not perfect.

have you ever feel like you’ve given somebody so much, but never gets anything back?

or feel tired of running towards something that is uncertain?

or hate yourself because you can’t stop loving some one you love?

or feel stupid because you feel important when the truth is you’re not?

or care for someone because you want to be cared?

i know that people say love is not selfish and never expect anything back. But if that so, then why is the world running the way it is now?

if love never expect anything back, why do people break down when they’re being rejected by the person they love?

if love is not selfish, why do people got mad when their love cheats?

let me ask you this : why do you want to be in a relationship?

i bet most of you will say : to fulfill my needs, to accompany me, to ….. me.

and only a few will say in their first attempt : i just love being around him/her.

see what i mean, it is always about us, ourselves.

i think love is overrated. i think that it is not and never as beautiful and as pure as people described it to be. i think love is an illusion, like a blank check—made so that we all can feel safe knowing that there is something good and worth-living in this world.

but the truth is, there is no love without jealousy, no love without selfishness, no love without suspiciousness, no love without tears, no love without losing, no love without regret.

yes, love does have its flaws.

Date: 11.25.09 Time: 21:23 PM
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dreams

semua cewe pasti punya fantasi pacaran sama penyanyi band idola

berharap sesimpel suatu saat bakal nonton konser dia, dan di kasih bunga dari panggung

atau

berkhayal ntah darimana si sang idola bakal milih lo dari antara smua cewe di sana (termasuk cewe2 yang lebih cantik dari dirinya) buat nyanyi di panggung bareng dia

dalam kasus yang lebih gila dan imajinasi tingkat tinggi,

mimpi bakal nikah dan punya anak sama sang idola

cewe yang ga pernah menghadapi stage ini bisa gw bilang aga abnormal, karna dari situ lah kita belajar.

belajar batesan mimpi ama realita.

gw udah nglewatin masa2 itu, masa2 dimana gw mimpi dan berpegang kuat terhadap itu. ntah iman dari mana datangnya, pikiran bahwa suatu saat itu akan terjadi slalu nempel di kpala gw. skarang, stelah gw uda makin dewasa, garis yang ngebedain mimpi sama realita, yang mempertebal garis maksimum kemampuan gw, dan memperkuat rasa tau diri gw. satu sisi itu bagus, tapi dilain sisi, somehow gw ngrasa hidup gw kurang lively, terlalu serius dan.. ga ada poinnya?

punya mimpi itu sebuah paradox hidup. sperti analogy fans tadi. kalo seandainya gw masih secinta itu ama idola gw, say gw masih mimpi bisa nikah ama scott moffatt sampe skarang, maybe ill never experience a romantic life ever, coz i’d assume that he is the best and no man can beat him. but yet, mimpi itu juga yang ngedorong gw buat blajar gitar, buat put more interest in music, and hoping that someday, i could be like him, singing in front of a lot of people.

see how effect confronting itself?

mnurut gw, mimpi bisa dijelaskan pake analogy yang gw di plajaran ekonomi, gw blajar tentang prisoner’s dillema. di satu market, kalo smuanya naikin harga, smuanya untung. kalo smuanya turunin harga, smuanya rugi. kalo salah satu naikin harga, satunya lagi mesti rugi.

it’s like : kalo kanan kiri lo orang yang punya mimpi, lo smua bakal untung. you’re gonna support eachother with your dream, bcoz you all believe that dreams do come true. but if you all dont have dreams, than you re not more than a potato couch, your life will be meaningless and dull. seeing somebody carrying dremas in their minds would be such a ridicoul for you, let alone supporting them.

jadi kesimpulannya apa smua orang musti punya mimpi?

of course. if you dont have dream, you might as well be dead, because your living an aimless life anyway. but, like wisemen says, everything in excessive amounts is never good. so dream big, but not big enough to take away all your strength you when it doesnt come true.

as if for now, i still dont have a dream. i mean, i THINK i know where my life’s going to go, but it is something that i have to do, not i want  to do. maybe what i want does defined by my responsibility?

who knows…

Date: 11.17.09 Time: 05:37 AM
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how essential is dating?

pertanyaan ini bikin gw mikir2 blakangan ini.

barusan gw chatting ama spupu gw yang baru mau masuk smp, let’s say namanya Ani (samaran). gw iseng2 pas lagi chatting liat account fesbuknya dia, dan terkaget terkajolkajol waktu gw liat2 salah satu album fotonya dia. Stelah melewati foto2 dia berpose anak2 indo masa kini dan berpakaian ala gogirl, ada satu album judulnya ‘Him’.

hmm..

emang seberapa penting sih pacaran itu, how much of a need is it, sampai anak SD pun sudah mulai pacaran?

another example

observe this convo between me and victoria secret’s saleswoman (kita kasih nama sexygirl kali ye) :

sexygirl : “hey…have you ever tried our new sexy bra?”

gue : “uhmm.. nope”

sexygirl : “well.. are you here with your boyfriend?”

gue : “no.” (with no further explanation)

sexygirl : “but you do have one right?”

gue : “no.”

sexygirl : “well… anyway, our bra is blablabla”

even a ‘taken’ status is very important when you go to a bra store for marketing sake. setelah bikin si sexygirl kecewa karna dia ga bisa menjalankan misi marketingnya sesuai dengan yang dia mau, akhirnya gw membeli bra sexy itu bagaimanapun.

ini contoh lagi ye

my mom always tease me about having a boyfriend.

mommy : Deasy, udah punya cowo blum nak? masa ga mau crita2 ke mama?”

gue : ga ada ma

mommy : alahhh pasti ada, ga usah malu malu lah sama mama ini kok

gue : ga ada ma (mulai capslock voice)

mommy : gapapa lah masih muda ini ya pacaran pacaran aja. musti itu di coba coba biar belajar

gue : ?? zzzz

you know that feeling, right? when people assume you have something but you really dont have it. sama kaya misalnya gw disuruh nyanyi di depan publik suatu lagu. gw bilang gw ga bisa, but everyone’s like “bisalaaaah.. bisa! udah udah kedepan sana!”

it’s like : gw emang bener2 ga bisa nyet, bukan pura2 ga bisa

well, its a lil bit off topic but, you know what i mean. ( :p )

the big question is : emang pacaran sepenting itu yah ampe nyak gw nyuruh gw pacaran buat…”belajar”? hmm

but.. kalo di pratiin, pacaran lumayan penting sih.

well, dari pada gw kasih random facts, mendingan gw bikin chart (or list, susah bikin tabel ah)

advantages

• pasti ada seseorang di sebelah lo no matter how cruel the world, running against you
• pasti ngerti lo no matter how stupid your statement is or how random you are
• slalu ada temen kemana2. mau makan, ngegym, shopping
• kalo lo di grup dan di cuekin, you always have someone to talk to
• slalu dapet opini buat improvement, bukan supaya keren2an
• kalo minum2 ada yang setia jagain
• kalo jalan2 ada yang pegangin tangan, peluk dan cium kening
• kalo ulangtaun ada yang kasihin bunga
• seberat apapun masalah pasti di bantuin dan se ga lucu apapun jokes pasti ktawa
• kalo ada yang nanya single or taken, taken will always be a better answer. lebih ‘mahal’ jadinya hahaha
• and the list goes on and on and onnnn…

disadvantages

• ansos
• ga bebas ngapa2in sama siapa aja

what do you think? :p

Date: 11.10.09 Time: 15:19 PM
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Aaaaaaaaa

Date: 09.03.09 Time: 17:01 PM
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transformah and air conditionah

hello

sori nih ye bikin sirik, tapi gue udah nonton transformer baru. HAH! last night when me, artia, ben, manda were practicing for Cath’s wedding (ada edo dan astrid juga), gw tiba2 keinget kalo transformer bakal kluar minggu2 ini, but didnt know exactly when its gonna be. so i was like, “eh! ntar lagi transformer kluar nih, musti nonton nih!”

tiba2 si edo bilang: “loh! itu tanggal 24, which is malem ini!”

akhirnya kita smua spakat untuk nonton yang jam 12.10 malem, sacrificing our concentration for our classes the next day, which are mostly start at 8 in the morning.

so we went and eat first at wings stop, ordering 50 chicken wings plus the delicious french fries,

and then went to the theater. the movie was so good, with all the effects and the hotness of shia+meagan, that movie could never go wrong. but for some reason, yah, i like the previous one better. eventho this one is funnier, maybe because of the plot yang lebih ok gw lebih suka yang kmaren. yang ini seru deh, but some scenes are just obviously too exaggerating like the one where sam dreams that he meets all the primes who want him to bring optimus back to life. oh, and the one where the girl seduce sam in his dorm room (in harvard, psshhh), and it turns out that the girl was one of the decepticon, that was pretty lame. also the one where the soldiers flies to egypt, come on, they wouldnt make it that fast! 

i gave out too much, didnt i?

ok i better stop now, or else id go on and on and on and oooon, and never stops.

anyway, enough about the movie.

hari ini kelas accounting ga ada yang aneh2 ato menarik, just regular lecture along with my confusions about the materials. on my way home, i hopelessly look for the accounting textbook in the get used bookstore nearby my apartment, and magically i found the ONLY one left (ive been coming to this store for 2days in a row and find none), and bought it for $6. pretty good deal, eh?

after that gw ama astrid pergi makan ke denny’s, berjalan ditengah2 panas, kering, terik dan menyebalkannya matahari summer. its been very hot in pleasant hill this past 2 days, and so kmaren, gw, dengan tanpa mikir langsung beli ac nya caro (she’s transferring thus selling her air-con), dan bayar air-con installment  fee nya ke kantor apartment. they said that it needs 2 days (boo!) to install the air con, bcos it needs to be measured first, and then installed.

tapiiiii… pas abis pulang makan di denny’s itu, when i open my bedroom door, look what i found:

my summerlife saver, air conditioner. ; )

ps: summerlife savers, i should say, as this guitar is also keeping me from dying because of super high level of boredom.

maaf yah foto nya gede2, males ngecilinnya. hehehehe 

chao!

Date: 06.24.09 Time: 19:01 PM
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ga jelas vol. 2

tersadarku oleh mimpi

kenyataan yang jauh dari apapun didiriku

tiada guna memaksa hati untuk tau apa tujuannya

tiada arti bertanya apakah rasa ini

dalam hatiku dunia serasa acak

terkadang dia tertawa sampai menangis, dan detik lain dia menangis sampai tidak sanggup berdiri

bila di sini, tempat kita hidup, ia lah penerang dan sumber percaya

mengapa ada derita karenanya?

mengapa ada gundah karenanya?

mengapa merana gelisah olehnya?

mengapa saat ia datang, semuanya kabur bagai bayangan dimalam hari

disaat hati merasa pasti, namun ia pergi dan menghilang

hanya meninggalkan luka sedikit saja, yang dalam

disaat hati merasa sesat, ia datang dan memegang tangan

hanya sesentuh saja, yang menenangkan

mungkin jangan datang, itu lebih baik

karna ketidakpastian membawaku pada derita abadi

bukan aku ingin dan bukan merasa

aku tau tempatku, dan perasaan ku

hanya tidak tau kemana dan bagaimana membawanya jauh

darimu yang selalu melemparnya kesana kemari, seperti ia tiada harga

mungkin saatnya aku kembali

kepada kesendirian yang aman

ketempat persembunyianku, dimana semua gundah gulana telah tertumpuk

namun tertutup, hanya untuk aku nikmati sendiri bersama angin yang membawanya pergi

sedikit demi sedikit

hingga itu hilang

begitu juga dirimu dari aku dan perasaanku

Date: 06.23.09 Time: 03:02 AM
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weekend end

hello

well… it turns out that i had a lot of fun this weekend. that’s good, considering that gw lagi pms. tee hee hee. but i think my pms-ity force me to think and act hedon-ically, tho.

FRIDAY

sabtu ini akhirnya jalan2 ke sf bareng ama jeffta, andrew, dan indah doang. jojo ikut juga awalnya, tapi pulang duluan karna bakal ada cell group di rumahnya (nyeh). ternyata, di sf jeffta janjian ama temennya dulu anak smukie, namanya lia dan marius. jadi lah kita berjalan2 bersama2 keliling union square. 

first stop: bloomingdales

tadinya si jeffta mau beliin oleh2 spatu tory burch buat adenya, tapi ga ktemu sizenya, alhasil malah si indah yang beli moisturizer. 

abis itu kita lanjut ke swarovski nemenin andru beliin oleh2 buat gatau sapanya. lalu,

next stop : nordstrom

disni kita misah ama si jeffta dll ke japantown, gw ama indah jalan2 bedua doang. kita ke barneys melihat spatu2 bagus lagi diskon, and look what i found 

isn’t it a beauty? :D

abis beli barang cantik itu akhirnya kita off to caffeine,  cafe kecil di 835 geary street, where anak indonesia usually hang out. ternyata sugih, si pemain gitar, dateng bareng ama adeline dan kim. so there we were, a bunch of indonesian kids, squeezed together in a small-spaced cafe. gw dan jeffta nyanyi about like, umm.. prolly 12 songs, dan ternyata ga ada anak indo yang dateng. smuanya yang dateng bulek, dan some turis dari prancis. 

sama indah, kim dan adeline (jefta nyempil)

nanannana (wth)

sama sang gitaris, sugih muliadi

sama jeffta, (me), indah, andrew

 marius, lia, me, indah, jeffta

si jeffta nyanyi ama bule prancis yang suaranya bagus. di ujung2 dia curi2 kesempatan meluk sang bulek.

video nya nyusul.

so, that was fun. with a couple cup of beers enhanced the night, id say that night was nearly perfect, except for the fact that i really dunno what to do for tomoro

SATURDAY

very very kebo, bangun jam 12 dan makan english muffin 3 skaligus. had zero plan for the day and no one was available and astrid was gone and wait…

ada sms dari petra : “deas, ikut bridal showernya cath ga?”

sh*t gw lupa hari ini cath ada acara bridal shower di rumah calon mertuanya!

fyi, cath itu adalah orang greja gw, dia pmain keyboard di tim musik nya gereja nazarene, and she is going to be married with hendra (who turns out to be sodara jauh gue), yang juga pemain drum di tim musik gereja. the wedding is going to be next week (27th june 09) and im going to be singing there too! (fun, but scary at the same time)

so anyway, itu udah jam 12 dan gw gatau mo ksana sama syp. gw nyante dulu, coz i thought partynya maleman, akhirnya jam 2an gw telp ci monica (another church people) tentang acaranya. ternyata sodara2, acaranya adalah jam TIGA SORE saja. jadi stelah melewati ke hectican sesaat, akhirnya gw siap, and off we go to hendra’s house.

disana, sudah banyak orang. dan tida gw sangka2, ternyata banyak tante2 dari sgala umur! i thought it’s gonna be lyk a bachelorette par-tay with sexy hot hot stripper but… o well. tp ternyata fun juga kok gosip ama tante2 gahul buahaha. 

about that stripper part, turns out i was wrong.

there was a stripper, only… it’s a woman. yes, a(n old) woman stripper among women. hmm…

….yang akhirnya malah ngajarin tante2 joget

SUNDAY

di gereja tadi dikit banget yang dateng, dan musiknya pun cuma akustik, but i dk why, maybe because of the pms effect, i felt happy. pas pulang kerumah, astrid dr boston dan manda dr indo dateng! (YAYY!!! :D) akhirnya the happy group of astrid, manda, ben, edo, artia, and myself went together and ate sushi at damo. tee hee hee.

but, 

gw lumayan sedih nih. my goodfriend renno was having a birthday at shangrila hotel jakarta, and I COULDNT GO! anak2 highschoolyear yang laen pada dateng gitu padahal. huuu. but eniwei, i hope they had fun (which they obviously did), and i just wanna say

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY LOVELY RENNO! MISS YOU TONS!!!!!

satu lagi yang bikin sedih : tomoro is the beginning of my 6 weeks summer class. im taking an accounting class, it’s an early class (i mean lyk, early-early, 7.30am). but hopefully it’d be fun and not boring. 

anyway, i have a wishlist that i want to share with you guys. 

1. Fendi Timepieces Buckle Black Leather Watch

gotta loveeee this watch. 

2. diane von furstenberg sandal 

lucu nihhh buat summer tee hee hee

3. ysl downtown tote

buat nyante2 jalan2 dengan warna coklat muda yang oke (bukan abu ini loh.. ga ada coklat nya di foto)

…. and last but not least…

4. mercedes benz c300 (white)

no comment

WOOOO!

ah udah ah capek. udah jam stengah satu nih, gotta get up at 7 tomoro. ya udah deh. doain wishlist2 ini terkabulkan yah. BUAHAHA

alrighty. that’s all for tnite and c u when i want to see you! :P

Date: 06.22.09 Time: 03:29 AM
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lazy friday and the end of econ

hello

udah lega nih gw skarang. bisa berleha2 engkang2 kaki sambil tumblr-ing. you know why?

my 3 weeks econ class is OVAH man, OVAH. DONE. DEAD dengan indahnya.

berhubung kelas 3 minggu gw udah beres, tadi gw bareng ama geng manohara makan di jayakarta, berkeley which is one of indo restaurant in bay area. ok, so tadi pagi gw udah makan 3 english muffin plus jam AND meses, dilanjutkan dengan makan sore : mie pake ayam teriyaki ala deasy, sebelum akhirnya mengerjakan exam online dirumah indah. di jayakarta makannya buaanyaaak tenan, mulai dari ikan, ayam, rendang, tempe, udang, sampe ke pete pun ada, ditambah lagi dengan ditemani es duren yang aduhai nikmat, pol deh lemaknya. jadi basically hari ini gw makan kaya dinosaurus lagi pms, dan alhasil berat gw memuncak bagaikan puncak gunung himalaya (hopefully this is the puncak, i mean lyk, really, no further climb)

anyway. setelah pulang ke apartmen dari makan tadi gw smpet bingung mau ngapain besok. secara astrid lagi ke boston, seminar. si sunayana, my indian-temporary roommate gatau ngapain. ya udah deh, fesbukan kali yee…

ternyata pas lagi fesbuk+msn an, temen gw namanya iman bilang, “wah, deas, besok maen di lazy friday ya, gw liat flyernya keren banget!”

gw yang, “mm. ha?”

pas gw liat, flyernya :

wow. gw samaskali ga ada persiapan. si sugih (gitaris band djojonegoro yang biasanya maen dimana2) juga konon baru nelfon gw beberapa jam sebelum itu, dan gw bilang gw males nyanyi. but appearantly ada sedikit insist-ansi di dalam cafe itu. jadi ya sblum ada further ado, kata mreka, “mari kita kluarkan flyer supaya deasy dan sugih ga bisa ga maen”

hmm.

padahal i already have rencana buat hari besok. mau ke san francisco jalan2 ama indah, calvina, nia, andru, jeffta, nola siang2. akibat ini, yah, bukannya dicancel sih, tapi ya jam tidur gw jadi kurang karna latian buat lazy friday nya adalah besok pagi. sbenernya gapapa sih, i think it’s fun nyanyi di cafe itu, but.. the thing is.. i’m not good at communicating with the audience, especially if it’s in english. it’s like, i’ll sing as many songs you want, but pls dont ask me to talk to those people, coz i suck at it. 

jadi yahhh… well see tomoro how it goes. 

chao for now!

Date: 06.19.09 Time: 03:34 AM
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